Bionic Teutonic

It’s been a while since I’ve last written here. Right now, I’m sitting at my dad’s home in Missoula where my step-mother has been slowly losing a struggle against cancer. I’ve been back twice now, both times thinking her death was right around the corner, but the process has been slower than we were expecting. It’s hard to see somebody wither away like that. She is completely skin and bones and has not been taking in any nutrients or even much hydration for the last 4 or 5 days now. Her conversations are definitely not anything I can follow anymore, but she is still responding to friends, recognizing people, and thanking people for the signs of love they have been showing.

My step-mother and I haven’t always gotten along so well. When I was growing up I think we both didn’t really know how to deal with the other and there were times when our relationship was definitely strained. Over the last 10 years or so though, our relationship has matured and become much better and I think we have come to appreciate things about each-other that maybe we overlooked before. Though we are still of very different worlds, she is caring, generous, and has been a wonderful friend, mentor, and teacher to an extraordinary number of people. I’ve come to see how much she gives to those around her. Her biggest gift right now, to all of us, has been the example she has been setting with how she has gone about dying. She has done it with amazing grace, gratitude, and thoughtfulness. I haven’t once seen her get angry or be anything less than grateful to the people in her life or for the life she has lead. When I was back a few weeks ago, I watched her thank friend after friend for the part they played in her life. In speaking with one of her friends, a former priest who has been a spiritual mentor to a lot of people in her community, she told him “I’ve had a great life, and I would like to have a great death”. I can only hope that when my time comes, I can follow her example and embrace the experience as fully and with as much acceptance as she has.

I worry a lot about my dad and sister (who just had a baby 3 weeks ago and will no longer have a mother to help guide her through her new motherhood) and how they will deal with this. My dad has just retired and I think that while he has a lot to keep him occupied at the moment, the reality of how his life will be different will hit him fully at some point and I hope that all of us can just be there when he needs us to be there. There is beauty though in the way that she has been able to prepare everybody for her death and ask for their acceptance, just as she has accepted it. I think it makes it a lot easier for everybody around. Seeing her gratitude helps others to try and find the same gratitude for the part she has played in their life and that is a tremendous gift to be able to give as you go. So thank you for everything you have given and will continue to give to me and my family.

Lots of things going on these days. I’ve just started a new job, which is step two of the changes I wanted to make in my life this year (the first being moving in city). The job is going to be a change. It’s enough of a pay jump that I think I’ll be able to save enough to go back to school in a few years without going massively in debt or having to eat top ramen. It’s also going to be a lot busier than I’ve been used to. I have a target number of billable hours per week that I need to hit, which means no slacking. I’m feeling good about it now though. After having a few days to get my bearings, I feel like while I have a lot to learn, the job is very doable. Oddly, after I got the job offer and before I started, I got really nervous and sort of panicked about leaving Speakeasy. I convinced myself somehow that they were going to find something in my background check they didn’t like or somehow decide that they had changed their mind and no longer wanted me for some reason. Rationally, I knew everything was going to be fine and that I already had the job, but somehow I was feeling a bit like I was a fraud. It was one of those things where you feel like you are play-acting the role of a grown-up and that someone at some point is going to go ‘Hey wait a minute! They just a kid pretending to be a responsible adult!’ The emperor wears no clothes.