Bionic Teutonic

I was in a meeting yesterday where I looked around and realized that every single one of the 12 or so people in the meeting had wedding rings on. This was odd to me, because while I have a clear sense that work and real life are different things, during the time I am at work, these are my peers. Now, in real life, I am one of the few people I know who is married. The vast majority of people I hang out with aren’t. It was a strange moment, because in some ways it made clear to me just how different my work environment is from the life I have chosen for myself outside of it. It’s kind of like the feeling I get every election, when Republicans win and I think “where the hell are these people?” Nobody I know votes republican (or at least that they will admit), but obviously they get half the votes in this country, which makes me feel very disconnected somehow. Like the reality I live in is somehow very much not indicitive of anything except the reality I live in. I suppose that in one way, it’s a blessing that work provides a place where you come across a different set of people than you might normally be around. We self-select the people around us so much that we can forget that people different from us exist sometimes. This is an odd thought to have begun in a meeting where everybody was married just like me, but there you have it.

Happy New Years! As somebody on the radio said today, it’s a perfect time for getting a gym membership you will never use:) I will admit that I’ve gone through the exercise of making a few new years resolutions and am trying to enact a few changes, which feels a little bit cliched, but whatever. My yoga teacher had a great thought she imparted the other day that I’m trying to incorporate into my resolutions, which is that the new year always seems to be this time when people decide they are going to be different than they were last year. Somehow, we seem to focus on the things we are doing that we want to change and the ways in which we are not adequate. Our teacher had us actually write out some things that we felt were already good qualities we had or that other people tell us we have and then suggested that we focus on just doing more of that. The yoga center I go to does a lot of work with kids that have disabilities (autism, physical disability, etc), and one of the core tenets is that you build on what’s already there. As my teacher said, it’s the idea that we are already all the things we want to be. We each have anger and peace, patience and impatience, etc and if we focus on giving support to those good qualities we already have, the rest of it sort of falls into place. I really like that thought. Does that make me a hippy?

I’ve been feeling very unmotivated lately, and it’s kind of getting me down. I feel like I spend a lot of time doing nothing. A big part of this is work, which I’ve been finding to be a little unchallenging lately. The side-effect is simple inertia. My body at rest at work tends to result in my body being at rest on my own time and I’m left feeling a little unfulfilled and listless. I feel like I need to make some changes so that I’m excited about the things I do in my life on a daily basis, but I’m struggling a bit with exactly what those changes need to be. I feel like I’m skating by a bit, not making nearly enough music, not taking care of my body enough, not making much progress on my debt, not doing enough projects that I find fulfilling. The hard part about getting excited about the things you are doing is that you have to put the energy into doing those things in the first place, and when you are feeling, well, not excited about things, it’s hard to work up that energy. You also have to be careful that you are doing the right things and not just doing more stuff so you don’t have time to feel bored. I’m half unmotivated and lazy, and half totally restless. It’s kind of a frustrating place to be.

Thanksgiving is coming up and I’m going to be heading back to Iowa to visit my mom and Susan, et. al. Aside from the whole ‘oppression of native people’ thing, Thanksgiving is by far the best holiday. No presents to feel pressured to buy, plenty of warm winter drinks (Eggnog and Rum! Wassail! Glueh Wein!) The only thing to do is enjoy company, overeat, go for walks, and otherwise spend some good, quality time with people you care about. I am thankful for thanksgiving having remained relatively free of overt commercialization. Amen. Now let’s eat.

On a totally different note, something I never have understood is the way that most people seem to think it’s odd if you go out to movies by yourself. Seeing as how this is one of the least social of activities available, one would think it would be totally normal to do this. But somehow I always seem to get strange looks when I tell people I went to see a movie by myself. Asking somebody if they would like to go sit in a dark room and not talk for 2 hours doesn’t seem necessary to the enjoyment of the film (or of each-other). If somebody just ‘happens’ to want to see the film too, fine, but I really feel no pressure to find somebody to go with and find it strange that other people seem to expect this.

Today is (obviously) election day, and while I always get a little nervous around elections, this one feels important. As a country, I really hope that we can send at least a little message that we are not all go-it-alone cowboys. Right before the last presidential elections, I told a bunch of friends in Europe that ‘no way’ was Bush going to win. I was convinced that the state of U.S. affairs was bad enough and the signs were ominous enough that of course people would vote Bush out. But sadly, I was wrong. Which makes me nervous this time around, as again, I feel like things are bad enough and the signs ominous enough. I want to feel good about my country again and feel like I can honestly stand up for it instead of apologizing for things, like, oh, TORTURE all the time. Although, as the Onion said, politicians always seem to win in a landslide.

Two articles that make me laugh (warning, links may disappear). Originally, this morning the headline to the second one read ‘Pot dealers delivering satisfaction’. Damn right they are. I also love this quote: “It was kind, kind bud,” she said. “Yummy stuff.”

I love living in the city. Normally it feels vibrant, creative, and full of opportunities. Other times (like, oh, say, today) it feels like you are running a guantlet of noise, traffic congestion, and crazy people. Take for example the guy this morning who was yelling at every passerby at the top of his lungs that they were all “fucking morons” and were all “out to steal his bread”. While I can’t verify the accuracy of the statement, the fact that he had a large piece of newspaper sticking out of his hair encouraged me cross the street before I became the object of one his pronouncements. I’m totally fascinated by people that are this stereotypically insane. I wonder what their perspective on themselves is. Do they ever stop and think “Holy shit. I’m totally bat-shit crazy”? I kind of doubt it, but I like the image of that guy with the newspaper sticking out of his hair having a random moment of lucidity, laughing about his own personal character eccentricities, then going right back to berating the public. I wonder if the cold weather we are having is somehow bringing the crazy people out of the woodwork. There sure seemed to be a lot of them this morning. I’m assuming life gets much more difficult for crazy homeless people when they have to deal with the cold as well as whatever hallucinations are chasing them.