Bionic Teutonic

Ariel and I just got back from my step-mother’s memorial service. It was a very strange thing to have to attend. It’s very strange to think of somebody who has been part of your life for that long in the past tense. My brain has not quite made the shift yet, so it felt a bit surreal to have her death be made official in that way. I’ve been thinking a lot about her life, my life, what people do with their lives, etc. As a little exercise, I’ve come up with a list of 50 things that I have always wanted to do (and have not yet accomplished). I’m sure there is more to add if I thought about it more, but I figure 50 is a good number to put down on paper (virtual as it is). If anybody is interested in doing any of these with me, let me know and we will see about making it happen!

1. Release an album
2. Become a yoga teacher
3. Work in a soup kitchen
4. Go to cooking school
5. Ride in a hot air balloon (jump out of one?)
6. Study Flamenco in Spain
7. Ride a camel
8. Swim with dolphins
9. Have a child and raise it well
10. Join a circus
11. Speak 6 languages
12. Write a book
13. Go to a Man United match
14. One handed hand stand
15. Paint
16. Have a photography show
17. Name a star after somebody I love
18. Live in Europe again
19. Take my kid on a bike trip around the Bodensee
20. Be able to do the front splits
21. Climb a big wall in Yosemite
22. Have an orchard/ vinyerd and sell the produce
23. Ride a double decker bus in London
24. Take part in an archeology dig
25. Do aid work in Africa
26. Hike the Grand Canyon
27. Learn what all the cloud formations are named
28. Run a marathon
29. Research my ancestry
30. Busk my way around Europe
31. Get to know a homeless person
32. Dance around a maypole
33. Hop a train
34. Spend a night in jail
35. Visit Jerusalem
36. Go caving (spelunking)
37. Study tabla in India
38. Learn to knit
39. Bike across the U.S.
40. Paraglide
41. Spend a day riding around with a cop
42. Open a swiss bank account
43. Party at Stonehenge
44. Scuba dive the Great Barrier Reef (before it disappears)
45. Learn to walk on stilts
46. Get my CPR certification
47. Learn to ride a unicycle
48. Watch the space shuttle take off
49. See the northern lights in Alaska
50. Die gracefully

I’ve been thinking a lot about closing doors lately. I seem to have a lot of different things in my life that sort of half occupy my attention. I think that out of fear of letting anything go, I sacrifice having a deeper experience with any of my interests. Sometimes when you put some real parameters or limiting factors around what you are doing, it can free you up, though it seems counterintuitive. I’ve known this to be the case with music for a long time. In school we used to get assignments where certain limitations were placed on our songs in order to force us to better utilize what we did have to work with. I haven’t really ever placed those kinds of limitations on my life before though. While I get very obsessive about things, I don’t usually intentionally close other doors. I think sometimes I get afraid that if I let something go, I will never pick it back up again and it will just slowly fade away from my life. Which is kind of odd, because if it doesn’t tug at me enough to force it’s way back in, it probably doesn’t need to be there anyway (at least that’s how I’ve been feeling lately). I’ve always sort of romanticized this idea of the renaissance man. But I think for me, where I am in my life at the moment, that’s sort of a luxury. If you have a ton of free time, and/or have managed to create a work life where you get to dip into many different interests, this is a great thing to strive for, but if you are like me and spend most of your day completely removed from those interests, trying to cram them all in to the time you do have (also accounting for the need to just veg and recover from work sometimes), you end up making way less progress on things and having less satisfying experiences than you were originally hoping for. Sort of a jack of all trades, master of none scenario. I think I’m going to try and start closing some doors and seeing what happens. This sort of frightens me actually, but I think that fear is part of why I need to do it. To start practicing some more non-attachment.

Jesus I’m sore today. I just finished the last of 4 free personal training sessions at my gym, and my trainer just wore me to the bone. I’ve never had personal training before this, and I have to say, I got a lot out of it. I went in with some specific stuff I wanted to work on, mainly increasing my vertical jump and speed (acrobatics requires some explosive power, yo) and the trainer was actually stoked. He told me ‘Thank god. You don’t understand. 95% of the people who come in here just want to lose weight”. It was great, because I used it as educational sessions and was very clear that I wanted to learn about things I could do on my own. I don’t need motivation, I just need knowledge. Since yesterday was my last session, I think he must have wanted to give me something to remember him by, because I swear, it was like twice as hard as the other sessions. Walking is taking some conscious effort today.

Ariel just turned me on to the sub-culture that is steampunk (due to this wedding on her site) and I’ve been totally fascinated for the last couple days. I recognize the aesthetic but have never had a name for it. I think the thing I like about it is that is has cross-over with so many other sensibilities, yet manages to be distinctly it’s own thing at the same time. As my friend Ben put it, it’s sort of like a longing for a golden age that never was. People have created some really cool stuff. One of my favorites is this laptop. I want (though could not afford) one. I also like that it has some cross-over with circus fashion (of the el-circo and mystic family circus vein). It seems to be showing up in a lot of places lately. We just got back from seeing The Golden Compass, which is completely saturated with the steampunk aesthetic. I like.

Christmas is coming up and I’m just now starting to think about presents. I actually hate this part of the holidays. Especially coming on the heals of Thanksgiving, which is such a wonderful, non-consumer oriented holiday, Christmas can sometime feel like a gigantic ruse by the capitalists (whoever they are) to make it a requirement that we all buy lots and lots of crap. Not that I’m very good about living a simple, non-consumer oriented life normally, but somehow the social imperative to buy always makes me uncomfortable. Plus, I have to wonder how much of the crap that people get for Christmas goes to waste because they never wanted or needed it in the first place. I try to ask so that I’m getting people exactly what they need, but not everybody knows what they want when you put them on the spot like that. Oh well. If you ignore the consumption, it’s not a bad holiday. Snow (at least in Montana, where I spend Christmas), family, good food.

Twice now this week, in totally separate meetings, with totally different people, the subject of documenting process has come up with somebody mentioning that it’s the ‘what if you get hit by a bus and we have to carry on without you’ scenario, and somebody else responding that it’s really the ‘what if I win the lottery’ scenario and everybody else nodding in agreement. First of all - how weird is that, that the exact same conversation would come up twice in one week almost verbatim and second, it got me thinking about what kind of job is indicated by each scenario. The ‘what if I win the lottery’ scenario seems to indicate that really, we are only here for the money and given the chance, none of us would be doing this, whereas the ‘what if I get hit by a bus’ scenario indicates that we’d have to be dead for us not to do this work. So in a perverse way, the fact that you would think of the worst thing that could happen indicates a kick-ass job that you love and is a calling, while thinking of the best possible thing that could happen indicates that you are sort of miserable. Someday, I hope that I have a worst case scenario job.

Check it out: Circus performers have their own patron saint! Saint Julian the Hospitator. Nice. The story is a little grim (although redeeming) and we have to share him with ferrymen and innkeepers, but I’ll take it. Next time I’m in Paris, I’ll have to visit the church.

I’ve been thinking about being an adult lately. I really have no idea what it means to be an adult. I’ve rejected the notion most of my life simply because I’ve associated it with losing your childhood sense of wonder and playfulness, which I never want to happen. But then again, I find myself pretending to be adult-like in much of my life out of simple necessity, and not all of that is bad. Having a job, owning my own house, not being overly prone to drama, etc. I just haven’t fully figured out how to separate the good from the bad consistently and in a way where I still embody the kid in me and the adult I am somehow becoming. Yesterday I was at lunch looking around at all the people scurrying to and from work, having adult-like conversations and doing adult-like things and thinking that each one of these people is really just a large kid behaving as if they were an adult. It’s like the muppet babies but in reverse. The hypothetical in that show was always “what if the muppets were all babies?” whereas in real life the hypothetical is “what if all these kids were adults?” The strange thing is that when I thought about the people I was watching in that way, it made me feel quite connected to them somehow. Like we are all just doing our best at this adulthood thing. I just hope that each one of them has found a place where they can toss off all their clothing and run through the sprinkle

I love airplanes. Which is odd, given that I have been, at times, totally freaked out about flying. But I love them anyway. I see them pass over Seattle and I feel a little yearning every time. I mostly yearn for the adventure they represent. Whenever you board a plane, you are being carried away from your routine, and your normal patterns of daily movement. I have strong memories of when I was a little kid, getting up way before dawn for transatlantic flights. I don’t think I was always happy about being up that early as a kid, but I was always aware that it meant an upcoming adventure and over the years, I’ve become very attached to the feeling of early morning or middle of the night flights. On our trip to Bali, our flight was after midnight, so we were at the airport super late and I loved being there, knowing that we would soon be on our way to a new place I’d never been. If I could live in that sense of anticipation, fully soaked in it, I think I would be a very happy man. Somehow, you are more aware of everything when you are in the middle of travelling than you are during your normal life (or at least I fell like I am).* I have two overseas trips I’m planning right now and half of what I’m excited about is simply being able to experience travelling.

* I’ve thought about this and realize that much of this is simply ones own outlook. I feel like there should be a way to maintain that same sense of awareness, of soaking in all the things around you, but I have yet to find it. Somehow the routine of it all just kind of dulls your senses. It gets put into perspective at times when friends from out of town will notice things I’ve walked past a million times but have never mentally taken note of.

On another topic, I’ve finished school, which feels great, but am also feeling like I’m at a bit of a crossroads. One of my classmates mentioned that he was taking the class for the second time as nursing school requires that you have taken it within a certain time-frame. Which sort of hit it home for me that I have to figure out pretty soon which career choice I am actually going to take. I have several different paths that I could see myself heading down at the moment and I don’t feel like I know enough about any of them to make a real informed and responsible decision (in the sense of doing the right thing for my happiness and fulfillment). I don’t want to rush into something just to maintain some sort of forward momentum and end up feeling miserable and unfulfilled in several years, yet I could also easily be paralyzed by indecision and somehow let the work I’ve put in so far expire. I think I’m need to be using some of this new found free time to mull it all over, do some job shadowing perhaps, and explore my choices more. You know, figure out what I want to be when I grow up.