Bionic Teutonic

Ariel and I just got back from my step-mother’s memorial service. It was a very strange thing to have to attend. It’s very strange to think of somebody who has been part of your life for that long in the past tense. My brain has not quite made the shift yet, so it felt a bit surreal to have her death be made official in that way. I’ve been thinking a lot about her life, my life, what people do with their lives, etc. As a little exercise, I’ve come up with a list of 50 things that I have always wanted to do (and have not yet accomplished). I’m sure there is more to add if I thought about it more, but I figure 50 is a good number to put down on paper (virtual as it is). If anybody is interested in doing any of these with me, let me know and we will see about making it happen!

1. Release an album
2. Become a yoga teacher
3. Work in a soup kitchen
4. Go to cooking school
5. Ride in a hot air balloon (jump out of one?)
6. Study Flamenco in Spain
7. Ride a camel
8. Swim with dolphins
9. Have a child and raise it well
10. Join a circus
11. Speak 6 languages
12. Write a book
13. Go to a Man United match
14. One handed hand stand
15. Paint
16. Have a photography show
17. Name a star after somebody I love
18. Live in Europe again
19. Take my kid on a bike trip around the Bodensee
20. Be able to do the front splits
21. Climb a big wall in Yosemite
22. Have an orchard/ vinyerd and sell the produce
23. Ride a double decker bus in London
24. Take part in an archeology dig
25. Do aid work in Africa
26. Hike the Grand Canyon
27. Learn what all the cloud formations are named
28. Run a marathon
29. Research my ancestry
30. Busk my way around Europe
31. Get to know a homeless person
32. Dance around a maypole
33. Hop a train
34. Spend a night in jail
35. Visit Jerusalem
36. Go caving (spelunking)
37. Study tabla in India
38. Learn to knit
39. Bike across the U.S.
40. Paraglide
41. Spend a day riding around with a cop
42. Open a swiss bank account
43. Party at Stonehenge
44. Scuba dive the Great Barrier Reef (before it disappears)
45. Learn to walk on stilts
46. Get my CPR certification
47. Learn to ride a unicycle
48. Watch the space shuttle take off
49. See the northern lights in Alaska
50. Die gracefully

Summer is finally here. I feel like I’m on the beginning edge of getting some normalcy back in my life. I’ve been trying to follow up on all the little changes I have planned while at the same time getting back to all the routines I’m trying to maintain (but have all fallen to the side lately). I went to yoga during lunch for the first time in what felt like ages and am just trying to get a little bit of a groove back in my day-to-day. I’m feeling optimistic. We started populating our new shelves yesterday and am super excited about that. I just applied for a yoga teacher training starting this fall and am really excited about that possibility (still need to be accepted). I’ve also come to some decisions about work and sticking it out for a bit that seems to have lifted some of my stress for now. I’m ready for summer.

It’s been a while since I’ve last written here. Right now, I’m sitting at my dad’s home in Missoula where my step-mother has been slowly losing a struggle against cancer. I’ve been back twice now, both times thinking her death was right around the corner, but the process has been slower than we were expecting. It’s hard to see somebody wither away like that. She is completely skin and bones and has not been taking in any nutrients or even much hydration for the last 4 or 5 days now. Her conversations are definitely not anything I can follow anymore, but she is still responding to friends, recognizing people, and thanking people for the signs of love they have been showing.

My step-mother and I haven’t always gotten along so well. When I was growing up I think we both didn’t really know how to deal with the other and there were times when our relationship was definitely strained. Over the last 10 years or so though, our relationship has matured and become much better and I think we have come to appreciate things about each-other that maybe we overlooked before. Though we are still of very different worlds, she is caring, generous, and has been a wonderful friend, mentor, and teacher to an extraordinary number of people. I’ve come to see how much she gives to those around her. Her biggest gift right now, to all of us, has been the example she has been setting with how she has gone about dying. She has done it with amazing grace, gratitude, and thoughtfulness. I haven’t once seen her get angry or be anything less than grateful to the people in her life or for the life she has lead. When I was back a few weeks ago, I watched her thank friend after friend for the part they played in her life. In speaking with one of her friends, a former priest who has been a spiritual mentor to a lot of people in her community, she told him “I’ve had a great life, and I would like to have a great death”. I can only hope that when my time comes, I can follow her example and embrace the experience as fully and with as much acceptance as she has.

I worry a lot about my dad and sister (who just had a baby 3 weeks ago and will no longer have a mother to help guide her through her new motherhood) and how they will deal with this. My dad has just retired and I think that while he has a lot to keep him occupied at the moment, the reality of how his life will be different will hit him fully at some point and I hope that all of us can just be there when he needs us to be there. There is beauty though in the way that she has been able to prepare everybody for her death and ask for their acceptance, just as she has accepted it. I think it makes it a lot easier for everybody around. Seeing her gratitude helps others to try and find the same gratitude for the part she has played in their life and that is a tremendous gift to be able to give as you go. So thank you for everything you have given and will continue to give to me and my family.